New beginnings kinda suck.

Yeah, I said it. I always try to be honest here and honestly, I’ve decided I just don’t like starting new things. [pauses for gasps from the crowd] There are quotes all over the place that talk about being fearless and embracing change…that new paths and open doors lead to magic and adventure. But in reality, sometimes change is just that. Change. You just wake up one day and decide to do things differently. It’s hard, it sucks, there’s no instant gratification, and occasionally you fail. I mean, who isn’t more comfortable just staying where they are, just chuggin’ along? Just me?

However much I may like the feeling of contentment, it’s something I rarely (if ever) get to enjoy. It’s become more and more apparent to me that life is just a series of beginnings and endings, with very few constants along the way. While that may not necessarily be a negative thing, it’s freaking hard sometimes, no?

On Monday I’ll start my new job.

Let me preface this point by saying that theoretically I’m super pumped about this opportunity. I’m proud of myself for reaching my goal of becoming a Practice Administrator in a medical office (and before 30, no less), and being able to professionally transition from one job to another while keeping many personal and professional relationships intact. Woo adulting!

But…along with anticipation and excitement, the incoming tide of emotions like anxiety (you constant bitch), fear, nervousness, and the need for approval are incessantly trying to take over. It’s been a non-stop battle in my mind this weekend- excited, then wanting to throw up, happy and proud, immediately followed by indecision and worry, smiling and feeling optimistic, then biting my lip and scared I’ll make a fool of myself next week.

I know, I know, I’ll be fine. I’ll do great and it will be amazing and I’ll love it and everyone will love me because I’m beautiful and awesome and hilarious and it will all be okay. Whew.

Oh, right. Hey reality- you’re still here? Damn it. I’m still scared.

Luckily, I never had to change schools as a kid. I spent my first 18 years of life in a tiny backwoods country town and knew, or at least knew of, pretty much everyone in my school. Even though I never had to experience the feeling of being the new kid, just the thought of it makes my stomach flip. I’d watch movies or TV where they walk into the crowded cafeteria and can’t find a place to sit so instead they choose to eat their lunch in a bathroom stall and I’d always think, “yep, that’d be me”. Not because they, nor I, are particularly weird, it’s just easier.  Is it weird that I’m already dreading lunch tomorrow? Honestly, I’ll probably end up eating in the car. Normal people don’t worry about this stuff, do they?

lunch

I’m on a mission to eat healthier.

I figured hey, since I’m changing my daily routine with a new job, different (improved) commute, and daily dog walking schedule…why not throw in another challenge and stop eating so much crap? Habits are so hard to break. But, I’m hoping my theory of starting this new routine will be easier if I automatically start doing it with all the others.

First, I’m going to keep up the no soda rule. It’s been 6 weeks and 3 days since my last soda and I hope I never go back. While it may be getting slightly easier,  I still crave an ice cold Diet Coke almost every day. Instead, I give my water bottle the middle finger, take a giant gulp, and let out an exaggerated “ahh” to try and trick myself that it’s just as gratifying. God, it’s really not.

Second, I’m cutting way back on the fast food. Matt and I really only had Chick-fil-a or Whataburger what, maybe twice a week, if that? Realistically, I’m always going to allow myself to indulge in a chicken sandwich and waffle fries occasionally. It’s just too delicious. And what’s the point in living if you’re so freakin’ miserable all the time eating  like a bird and drinking grass water?

While I may not be able to entirely sacrifice the fries and rare nugget adventure, we are focusing on eating at home and eating real food. It’s a time commitment, that’s for sure, and it takes a lot more work, but I’m hoping once we get used to it it will become easier and less of a struggle. Right now my main issue is not reverting to a 3-year-old and throwing a mini-fit every time I have to do the dishes.

 

All in all, while I may hate the idea of starting these new things; whether it be a new job, better eating choices, or drinking another unending bottle of water- they’re all worth doing. Ultimately I know it will lead to a better and happier life.

Well, at least that’s the goal, right? I’ll keep you posted.

Did you miss me?

Hey!

I’m back!

‘Old-school’ journal writing just wasn’t cutting it for me anymore, so after much deliberation- I’ve returned to try and entertain you as I shamelessly document the antics of my life on the internet once again.

It’s been a few months shy of 2 years since I left the blogging world and jeez, life has flown by. Like, crazy-scary time-warp-speed flown by. Let’s take some time to get re-acquainted again, shall we? I think some general life updates are in order before I endlessly spew my emotions out a few times a week on here…you know, just so you have a point of reference.

I’m assuming/hoping there will be some new readers to this blog and if that’s you- HI! Feel free to browse my past entries, they include lots of embarrassing and (I think) funny stories about all of the misadventures after my divorce. A couple of my favorites are this one and also this one.

Big Picture Items

  • Still live in Dallas, although now with a significant other and a fur-child (more on that in a minute)
  • About to turn freaking THIRTY in May- and no, I’m not looking forward to it and I’m slightly terrified
  • Lots of changes are happening currently, figured it’s as good a time as any to write about all of it, right?

Relationship Update

  • Still with the ginger from Tinder! (He may also be referred to within this blog as Matt/Matthew/boo thang/beard man/etc.) If you’re new around here and interested, you can read more about how our relationship started and the dating roller coaster in my previous entries, but we are just as happy as ever and recently added a dog to our little family! Welcome to your fur-ever home, Nessa!

photos

Work Life

  • I’ve been working in a major hospital system for the past two years on the administrative side in the Plastic Surgery department, but as of TODAY (woo!) I am now a Practice Administrator for a cognitive behavior therapy practice here just about a mile from our place. I’ll probably post more about this scary leap in the coming weeks as I start my new adventure on Monday. (Wish me luck!)

Healthy/Not-so-healthy life

  • Well, I’m not gonna deny it. I’ve let life take priority and in turn let my attempt at a ‘healthy food and plenty of exercise’ lifestyle fall to the wayside. I’ve definitely gained some weight back. Call it being happy, call it laziness…whatever- the point is, I’m not happy about it. I think part of me hopes that this blog will be a bit of an accountability partner, but mainly I just need to get off my ass and get moving again.
  • Anxiety is something I struggle with still on a daily basis. It’s not as unmanageable as it used to be, but I’m sure I’ll vent from time to time as it rears it’s ugly head. I’m looking forward to working in a mental health career field that I’m passionate about and growing to become a representative in the community. Mental health issues are real. It’s not something that’s attention-seeking, nor something that should be used to shame the people suffering from them. I’ve watched it affect so many loved ones in my life, and I’m determined to play a role in the destigmatization of the issue.

 

Well then, I think I’ve fully reintegrated all of you into where my life is currently. While others are counting down until their wedding, the birth of their child, or their next vacation…let’s begin my countdown to none of those celebratory reasons. Instead, I’ll be turning 30 in:

126 days
lord help me, I’m gonna be an old lady…

 

All things must come to an end.

My dearest friends, family, strangers, readers, stalkers, and everyone else who doesn’t quite fit into one of the above mentioned categories…I think it’s time to say this blog has officially come to an end. Please, hold back the sobs and tears until the end. 🙂

It’s been quite the journey, these past couple years of mine. Riding a roller coaster of emotions, both the highest highs and lowest lows have happened while writing this blog. It’s been an amazing place to vent, slamming my fingers into the keyboard angry at the cards life had dealt me. Or, tears streaming down my cheeks and trying to formulate complete sentences that readers would understand. The best was when all I could do was laugh, sigh, and shake my head at whatever crazy-ass thing happened to me earlier that day, and think ‘I can’t wait to write about this later!’. No matter the emotion behind the post, thank you for reading and supporting me through it all.

Several people reached out to me over the past few months and asked if I still wrote on here. I’d always respond with “ehh, yeah…I guess I haven’t felt the need to write recently, I don’t know, maybe I’m past it all now, we’ll see.”. Then, someone pointed out it might be a good way to close this chapter, finish this ‘part of my journey’, with a final post to wrap it all up.

So, here we are.

Where have I been the past, oh, I don’t know… SIX MONTHS since I’ve written on here last? Well, I never thought I would say it, but Tinder worked a miracle for me. Yep, I never would have expected to meet this incredible guy who understands me and is so similar to me on such a deep level it’s scary sometimes.

I could go on for paragraphs about him, but I’ll spare all of you the mushy details. Let’s just say he’s amazing, our relationship is honest, open, and real. It’s been a little over a year now since our first date, and it just keeps. getting. better. The confidence and love he gives me is unending and I couldn’t ask for anything more in my life right now.

Needless to say, this new relationship has taken up most of my time. I’m also guessing a lot of my venting and my outlet for emotions (both good and bad) have been passed on to him (lucky him, right? Don’t feel too bad for him, it goes both ways…) This blog was definitely like therapy for me, and I think I’m in a good place now so maybe regular blog writing/therapy sessions aren’t really needed anymore? I mean, I could always right about how in looooove I am, but I’ll spare all of you the details. You’re welcome.

Aside from my new relationship, I have a new job at a major hospital in Dallas and I love it. It was sort of the last “thing” in my life that hadn’t changed since I moved out on my own and started this chapter in my life. Now that I’ve moved on from a small practice and have a salary, dress in fancy clothes, business cards, the works, it’s great to have co-workers that don’t identify me as “the divorced one” or assume I’m sad because of this or that. They just know me, and I can share as much or as little as I want. It’s refreshing.

Okay, well, this is the part of the conversation where I avoid eye contact and slowly inch toward the door trying to make an unnoticed exit…but then I realize everyone is staring at me and expecting some grand statement before I can escape leave. I wish I had something, but the only thing I can think of is this:

Through it all, all the bullshit, all the drama, all the tears, all the heartache, and everything else, I’ve learned that time does go on and hearts do heal. Even though you feel like it’s in a million pieces on the floor of your bathroom covered in your tears, your heart puts itself back together and sews itself up and manages to keep on beating. Maybe it beats a little faster than before, maybe it skips a beat less often at the hope of something new, or maybe it’s just left with a few scars. But those scars are there for a reason. They remind you to keep going, they remind you to not make the same mistakes, and they remind you that the pain you once felt has healed now, and you can survive whatever happens in the future. 

Thank you again for your time, love, support, encouragement, laughter, tears, and everything else you have all given me through this part of my journey. If you miss me too much I still have Facebook and Instagram…just creep on me through those platforms.

Bye friends!

How I lost my happiness (again) without even realizing it.

I woke up this morning suddenly. The kind of waking up where your eyes literally pop open, staring at the ceiling trying to focus on the little nooks and crevices in the texture above you. I thought about the night before…texting this guy I’ve been seeing for a few months, trying to figure out at 1:30am if he “felt like coming over”. (Insert annoyed emoji face here) As I recalled my conversation from a few hours prior, I tried to shake the feeling of embarrassment I felt after exposing my neediness for company (and then being rejected, mind you), and after realizing how strangely awake I was with only 5 hours of sleep, I decided I needed to go for a run. That always clears my head.

I’d heard from several people about these “nature trails” here in Oak Cliff. Something to note for those of you that aren’t familiar with my neighborhood, it’s…eccentric. Oak Cliff is the kind of community where it’s common to see “OC” or “75208” tattooed on someone’s neck/fingers/other random body part. Don’t get me wrong, it has it’s charms like the Bishop Arts District and Trinity Groves, but overall it’s pretty colorful. All of that to say, I was slightly nervous about going on a several mile hike/run in the woods as dawn was breaking. But hey, YOLO, right? (haha… I hope you laughed as you read that last sentence, because I sure did as I was typing it.)

Seriously though, this adventure was SO incredibly worth it. Words cannot express how clarifying, inspiring, and cathartic it was. I only did about 3 miles, but it was a total body workout maneuvering the trails, climbing over fallen trees, and splashing through creeks. I was disgusting by the time I was done, and it. was. glorious. These pictures don’t even begin to do it justice because 1) I’m a terrible photographer, and 2) I couldn’t focus too much on photo quality so I could avoid getting clipped by mountain bikers.

IMG_2897

I realized several things about running in this new environment:

  1. Running without music – this was a new one for me. Usually I will NOT go without a form of entertainment while I torture myself with exercise. Ed Sheeran, New Politics, and Red Hot Chili Peppers are pretty much all that can get me through a 4-5 mile run on a usual week day. But today I decided to go without music most of the run because it’s easier to hear upcoming bikers as they whiz by you on these tiny trails. I didn’t even realize the sounds of nature I would have missed had I been distracted by my Spotify the entire run. Creeks gurgling, birds chirping in the trees, even just the sound of the rocks beneath my shoes had me feeling all fuzzy. I really felt at peace out there. Crazy words coming from being in the middle of Oak Cliff!
  2. Coordination is not my strong suit – I seriously almost ate dirt (literally) at least 12 times. I should have had someone film me, it was probably extremely entertaining watching me hop over rocks, jump tree branches, slide down crumbling trails so I didn’t bust my face open…I’m hoping these trails will help me learn coordination and muscle control, but I’m sure they will also get a little of my blood, sweat, and tears in the process.
  3. I’ve been avoiding a LOT – Almost halfway into my run I realized how light and at ease I felt about life. All of my anxiety had melted away and I wanted to just laugh and keep hiking on those trails all morning. At the start of my run, I had a lot of thoughts to sort out, and as I ran, the peacefulness of my surroundings allowed me to think through things without all of society’s constant pressures weighing down on me.

I now realize that I am a serial “changer”, as I like to call it. I will change myself, my interests, my habits, etc. all based on the person I’m dating. I won’t really stop liking the things I currently enjoy, but I’ll just put those on the back burner and emphasize whatever fits in with the current person I’m talking to.

“Oh, you enjoy tacos and Chipotle is your favorite restaurant? Me too!”

LIE. I hate Chipotle. I don’t enjoy Mexican food. But if you do, suddenly I’m open to the idea…

“You could watch only Will Ferrell movies for the rest of your life and never be sad again? That sounds like a great idea…let’s binge watch some next weekend!”

LIE. I’ve only seen like 2 Will Ferrell movies…I know, I’m weird. I’m not against them, per say, I just don’t actively seek out trying to watch them…?

“You can’t stand Taylor Swift? Ugh, me either, what a lame talent-less copy cat.”

Again, LIE. I literally have her newest album in my car CD player now. Don’t judge me, the girl knows how to write good lyrics.

I do all of this to be liked and accepted, and it usually works out well for a while. Then, as I realized this morning, I find myself having compromised all of my joy and excitement in life from doing what I truly enjoy…all in hopes for some attention and favor.

You like to lay in bed all morning on the weekends and not get anything done? Suddenly I do too! You enjoy staying up late because you don’t have to be at work at 8am like I do? No problem, I’ll stay up with you! You can’t workout for ______ reason? No worries, I don’t have to run today.

Who am I and what did I do with the girl who was Ashley? The real, happy, genuine, motivated, positive Ashley? I mean, it’s not like I became some completely different person…I was still me, but I just didn’t feel like quite the best version on myself.

Now, I realize that another person you’re dating should make you want to be that better version of you. They should enjoy what you enjoy, push you to work harder, go farther, laugh louder. I don’t want to keep being this way, I want to be me, the real me, with the guy I’m dating.

So here’s to authenticity. Being vulnerable in who you are. Loving yourself and being happy no matter what. And to not giving a shit if they don’t like it. 😉

Sure, I’ll take some more pain, please.

No, the title of this post is not in reference to some weird 50 Shades of Grey thing…sorry if I got your hopes up, haha.

I realized this weekend that human nature is a funny thing. I watched myself and several of my friends go through different experiences where we chose to put ourselves in mentally painful situations, repeatedly. At the end of the weekend I was exhausted, I had nothing productive come from my two days off from work, and I thought, “what the hell are we doing? Are we happy being miserable? Do we just want to be unhappy?”

I know, I know…you’re thinking, “What is she talking about? Give us the dirt! We want to hear what hot mess of a situation you got yourself into!” Alright already…but you’re just going to shake your head at the end of it, I’ll say it now: I told you so.

After being in a long term relationship for so long, one could say I’m a little afraid terrified of settling down and getting serious with someone right now. At this point in my life, it’s nice to just have companionship and someone to text or cuddle with when you’re lonely. So, in the midst of online dating/Tinder-ing/whatever you want to call it, I found someone who is pretty cool. We hung out for about 6 weeks or so, seeing eachother a couple times a week, and it was going well. Couple of things to note: we never discussed past relationships (this is big for me, as a huge part of my identity was found in the label of being “divorced”), and also, we never had the DTR (define the relationship) conversation, this led to many nights of confusion and wondering about what we were doing.

Okay, you probably want to stop me here. Looking back, it’s easy to say, “Why didn’t you just ask? You could’ve brought up the past. Etc, etc.” Can I just tell you, easier said than done. I have this thing with wanting to be the “cool girl”…it’s a term that’s very common in the dating scene. As a young woman, you want to be cool enough so that guys are attracted to this mystery and easy-going-ness, but you have to be strong and opinionated just enough so that they know they can’t walk all over you and they must respect you. It’s a stupidly fine balance that is impossible to achieve.

Anyway, I finally broke after 6ish weeks and risked the conversation of “what are we doing because I’m going crazy trying to figure this out without communicating.” (Shocker, I know.) It went surprisingly well, with us both being on the same page of keeping things “casual” and not wanting anything “serious”. We were open to the other going on dates with other people, but if anything became serious, we would let the other know. It seemed like the perfect situation at the time… (cue dramatic music, please).

It’s been almost 3 months, and SURPRISE, this girl now has feelings for the dude. Yep, I said it. Out loud, to the masses, and I can’t take it back now. It’s not like that “can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of stuff”, (props if you caught the 90’s It Takes Two reference, thank you Kristie Alley). It’s just like, you wake up and want to text him (but I don’t), or you catch yourself listening to different music because he introduced you to it. Hell, I even went to a Mexican food restaurant (that didn’t have hamburgers!) for him.

So, now I’m in a pickle. He is still being very casual and I can tell things haven’t progressed in the emotional department for him. My choices: 1. I have to still play the cool girl role and pretend to not want anything more. or 2.  Be honest and risk losing what we do have for something more. That’s a big risk to me, and one I’m not sure I’m ready to take. But, on the flip side, it kinda sucks having to act like I’m less interested than I am and constantly hoping for more, and consistently being disappointed,

The doozie happened this weekend when he said he’d come to a party for my roommate’s birthday. The morning of said party, he asked me what time things were starting, and then said he’d “let me know”. I know, how non-committal. Well, I didn’t hear from the kid again until Monday. He just never texted me about the party, didn’t show up, didn’t call or text, no lame excuse for backing out, nothing. Just a casual text on Monday about his day, like the discussion about the party never existed…I was thinking I was crazy. Who does that?

Quiz time! What did Ashley do in response?

A. Confront him about not showing up to the party.

B. Call him a jerk for bailing and never talk to him again.

C. Answer his text politely and positively about his day and completely avoid the party conversation.

Yep. I did C. I know! This is the part where you’re shaking your head and throwing your fist in the air! Why didn’t I stand up for myself? Why did I give him an out? Why would I let him think that’s okay to treat others like they don’t matter?

Ehh, I don’t know. Why do we, as people, do any of the above things? Why are we okay with being continually hurt by the same person? Why do we pour out our feelings and be honest time and time again, just to be let down as we knew we would be? Why do we pursue friendships and relationships that are only one-sided?

Maybe we are hoping for something better. Maybe we have this idea of the situation being improved or the person being who they could be. Perhaps we think that if we make the same mistake enough times, we will get it through our thick skulls that things won’t change and we should just move on. Who knows, really. I think we each have our own motivation for making the choices that we do, and I’m not one to judge…I for real have had my share of stupid decisions. (See above for the most recent, then all previous blog posts for prior dumb mistakes, haha.

In light of this weekends shenanigans, here’s my quote for the week:

Nora Ephron Quote

Now what?

Well, I did it. I survived an entire year living on my own. If you know anything about me, you should be impressed. This year flew by, while seeming to take an eternity to do so, if that makes sense at all. I can’t believe how much has happened, how much I’ve changed, and how different my life has become over the past 12 months. I moved out of my apartment on Sunday, and before I could leave cross the threshold out of my door for the last time I literally sat on the floor and cried. Yep, like a big ol’ baby.

I sat there thinking about all the emotions I had moving in: loneliness, heartache, hope for a new future, bitterness, and anger. I cried knowing I worked through all of those things within those four walls. I thought back about when I sat on my kitchen counter (yes, on top of it) and drank wine with friends while talking about how stupid and messed up our lives were. I remembered baking amazing desserts in that kitchen and then eating my feelings in the form of cupcakes/brownies/pie until I was sick. I laughed about all the slumber parties I had with friends in my tiny full-sized bed after too much drinking by my sweet pool.

I really lived in that apartment. Okay, that sounds so cheesy, but it’s actually true. I was a different person when I moved in, I changed my entire life over the course of a year, and I can’t believe that chapter is over. As I was leaving for the last time, it just all hit me at once and I broke down. Everything I was feeling a year ago is pretty much gone (in the best way possible). All of my anxiety, self-doubt, anger, etc. has melted away and I’ve become someone strong and ready to conquer the next chapter in my life, whatever it may be.

After I pulled it together and sniffled my way to the car, I climbed in and thought, “so, now what?”. New chapter, new year, new me…what could life possibly have in store for me next? Well, I’m all too aware that you can’t control your future, but I have a few things I’d like to tackle:

 

Find something to be passionate about. 

I had drinks with a good friend recently and we got on the subject of passion. Naturally, he asked me what I was passionate about. Oh, I know what you’re thinking: easy question! That’s what I thought, too. I proceeding with the following: I’m totally passionate about…you know, that thing…that I love. I do it all the time… how do I describe it, um. EXACTLY. I was so embarrassed when I realized I really can’t say that I have a passion. Sure, I enjoy a ton of things, but nothing really drives me to get up in the morning, nothing pushes me to be more creative, or compassionate, or try harder. Honestly, I think it’s been a fear of mine to throw my entire effort into something, for fear of failure or worse, mediocrity. This year I want to find my passion(s). I don’t know if it will be something as simple as baking, or maybe I’ll grow fond of gardening. Hell, I could go nuts and get addicted to sky-diving! …but I would like to survive the year, so I think I’ll hold back on that last idea.

Focus on relationships.

I’ve spent the past year being selfish. It was intentional, but it went against the core being of who I am. I needed to take the year for me and figure out who I was without a husband, dog, indentity as a wife, or the stigma of being divorced. I spent countless nights alone, specifically after having turned down plans with friends, just so I could contemplate my future and  all those other deep, introspective ideas. This year I want to push myself to invest in friendships, family relationships, and at some point, possibly, just maybe, really be able to pour into a romantic relationship. I’m not the only one going through rough times, and I want to be there for friends and family that were there for me over the past few months. In summary, less inward, more outward.

Try new things. As many as possible.

What can I say, I like to be comfortable. I know what restaurants I like, I know how I like my coffee, I know that I don’t like mushrooms. But I also know that I often take the easy way out and run away from things unknown to me. It’s easier to just say “I hate Mexican food” than actually try different kinds, or even worse, I might grow to like some of it! (The horror…I know.) Actually, over the past few months, I’ve grown to enjoy sushi (like real, raw sushi, lol). I’ve eaten guacamole more than once (and not hate it). I’ve listened to new kinds of music and found new artists to love. I’ve realized the more I branch out, the more life I’m experiencing…and it’s so much better this way. Being open to new experiences and the different things people enjoy, it makes relationships deeper, life brighter, and so much more fun. (Jeez…I’m just a blogger full of sappy one-liners tonight, hm?)

 

I’m really looking forward to this year, actually. I think it’s going to be just as challenging, but in an entirely different way. If I get really crazy, I’ll write another post soon about how many random things I acccomplished on my bucket list this past year…now that would show you how much of an adventure my life has become. Hah.

Progress

Hello again. It feels good to be back. Writing tends to be therapy for me, if you couldn’t tell. Honestly, when things are going well and I’m busy, I don’t feel the urge to write. Well, I guess sometimes I do, but usually my mind tends to clear with happiness.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not back because I’m unhappy, but the past 3 months have been an adventure! Mostly good with a few crappy moments sprinkled throughout, but isn’t that life in general? Haha…I should copyright that phrase.

Dating is weird. And dating is hard. How is it possible that I enjoy it and absolutely hate it at the same time? I’ve only ‘technically’ been in this strange world for about 5 months, and it’s a daily whirlwind. I feel like it’s a giant game, with multiple smaller games being played simultaneously within it. Be this person, share these details (but not those details), like these activites, be interested in current events, yada yada yada. When I feel like putting in the effort, it’s actually kind of fun. I get to portray the best parts of me, and sort of put my life on display. This concept of dating is just so interesting to me, especially online dating. You know I went on 3 dates with someone, talked with them for a few weeks and learned quite a bit about their life, then realized I didn’t even know their last name? That’s crazy to me! Oh man, if you get to know someone’s full name, apparently that’s as good as putting a ring on it. Watch out.

Especially with a past like mine (let’s be honest, I’ve got a few red marker edits on my “life resume”), I’m always unsure as to when to reveal things about my past. So far, it’s been pretty natural, but there’s been a couple of times when it hasn’t come up in the first few times of hanging out with someone that I happen to be divorced. I feel like it’s such a dirty word, like a big, red “D” on my chest, or something. It makes me feel like I’m flawed, damaged, and broken for the next person in my life. I mean, I know I’m not, but the stigma that comes along with the term divorcee isn’t generally a good one. If they stick around long enough for me to explain the terms/reasoning for my marriage ending, the response is generally positive, but not always. Oh well, I guess they weren’t meant for me anyway, right?

Hmm, another dating factor I’ve come across…when they are more into you than vice-versa. Honestly, I never expected this to happen to me. I mean, I waited in a relationship for 10 years for someone to reciprocate my feelings at the same level I did, so I thought I’d never experience it in the future. But, now that I have, it is NOT fun. Of course I know that it’s bound to happen, people fall in love in different levels and at different times, but I’ve realized that having the power to break someone’s heart is just plain terrifying.

I don’t think I can remember a time when I had to do something that I knew would hurt another person in a big way. My natural instinct is to do absolutely everything I can do avoid hurting another person. But recently, I experienced my first “me doing the breaking-up’ with someone, and that shit is hard. I think I’d rather be broken up with honestly. It made me feel like a terrible person causing someone pain, but I knew ultimately it was worth it and very much needed to avoid further heartbreak between us in the future.

Anyway, aside from dating, I’ll be moving soon! May 1st to be exact. Annndddd, big news: I’ll have a roommate! No, it’s not a guy…I don’t move that fast. 🙂 She’s freaking awesome, and I’m sure there will be plenty of posts detailing our shenanigans while we co-exist together. Living alone was exactly what I needed over the past year, and I’m excited for yet another living change in 2015.

So, again, here’s to a year full of adventures, travels, friends, and new experiences! Have I mentioned how much I freaking LOVE my life? (And no, that isn’t sarcasm, my life is pretty. darn. awesome.)

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